Still in the Abyss

It is February 3, 2017, and I am a grade 12 student now. If it is possible I think I feel worse than before. I don't want to leave my home to go to university. I am afraid I will hate my program. I am afraid that I will kill myself because I will be alone. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't feel like trying for anything because everything sucks in the end. I just want to stay in bed all day and either sleep or watch movies. Basically, anything that takes my mind away from reality.
I have to go back to school tomorrow after missing 2 days. I have to deal with explaining to Michaela why I was away. I get to deal with my mom pretending my life is sunset and daisies. I hate everything. My life is fine but I feel like my world is crashing. Nothing gives me joy. Everything causes are grief and pain. How am I supposed to live feeling like this? Well, I guess that's just it. I can't.

Silence

Tomorrow is the vow of silence.  This day means a lot to me because it allows others to understand how people feel when their voice is taken from them.

In my grade 7 year I went about 3 months without a voice at school. And by that I mean that whenever anyone would try to talk to me I would not respond at all. I would not make any hand gestures or facial expressions; just this blank look on my face. Many people would try to talk to me and I wouldn't respond. Soon they would give up and I felt like no one understood. I felt like everyone hated me because I was self-centred or arrogant. I still have these days today and I don't think I will ever stop. 

Tomorrow we have to wear a mask to show that we are a part of the vow of silence. I have mixed feelings on that part. When I was silent I did not present my self and say to everyone HEY LOOK AT ME I'M NOT TALKING.  However, me being silenced was kind of like a shield or mask. It protected me and made me think that maybe if I don't speak everyone won't hate me. I realize now that this just made it worse. 

Thanks 

"What doesent kill you makes you stronger"

-Me

Everyone Else

Have you ever felt like the whole world is happy and you are not. Cuz I have, pretty much everyday. I walk through the halls of my school and look at people smiling, laughing and just being happy. And then there is me. I don't fit in anywhere; at school, with my family, and with the world. I feel like everyone has friends and just naturally fits in. I always have to try, really hard and 90% of the time it doesn't make a difference. I also get really panicky whenever I am around a lot of people. I kinda shut down and don't know what to do. Even if my family comes over for like thanksgiving or Christmas, I feel like I don't fit in. I am the youngest in my family (not counting my baby cousins) which really sucks. They are all at a different point in there life. They are going to university, getting jobs, getting married. And then there is me still in high school. There is nothing to talk about with me and I never feel like I belong.  At school I have one kind of friend. I feel like she kind of hates me though. It is like she is my friend when there is no one better to talk to. But as soon as someone more popular comes she would leave me in a heartbeat. Which leads me to my next person. My friend who is a boy. We met in grade 2 and we HATED each other. He left the school one year (I think grade 5, possibly?) and then he came back. In grade 7 we realized we both walk home the same way. So I guess we kind of became friends. But we never talked in school because people picked on us if we did. They would think we were dating. Soon we were dating but it was excusive. He was the one making it exclusive. This made me feel like he didn't really want too. Soon I found out he didn't actually want to. He dated me because he was desperate. He literally said that. About a year later we were friends again and idk why I forgave him. I started to like him recently and I tried to give him hints. Eventually I just asked him. He said ok but exclusive. This really made me mad because I know he is embarrassed to be with me. So now I'm not talking to him. Another person who doesn't want to be around me YAY! :(

Thanks

"What doesent kill you makes you stronger"

-Me

Welcome

Welcome to my blog.

I am a grade 10 student and I am basically depressed. Throughout this blog I will explain how I feel so please don't judge. Even thought its just probably me here. Anyways, I lost my best friend about 2 ish years ago and it really hurt me. We were best friends for like 7 years and we were really close. Although the last year of our friendship she began to do drugs and it was terrible. I was afraid to loose her although I wanted to help her. When we where friend I always felt like she kind of hated me. This is something I struggle with forever. Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me. I try to keep a smile on my face although underneath is a tear.

If your wondering why this blog is called "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" it is because throughout my life I have found that to be so true. Seriously anything that happens will ALWAYS make you stronger in the end. Ha, except maybe high school.

Thanks

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

- Me